dolly parton is my IDOL!

too much too do and not enough time

so i now have this new obsession with stacey london.
you may know her from what not to wear.
i freaking love that show!
well her new show fashionably late premiers tonight!
wooo.
i've decided once i loose about 60 lbs. (i could probably loose 70...)
i will go out and buy myself all new really really cute cloths.
stacey approved.
sweeeet.
so by this time next life time, i should be skinny & cute.
yeah, k...lets see that actually happen.

no test results back yet.
supossivly they'll call monday...tuesday?! who knows...
i dont know, whatever the results the bottom line is i still have to loose weight.
a ton of it.

it hit me as i rode the escalator today in the mall.
i looked my left and thought "HOLY MOLY my stomachs the size of jupiter."
im done with being overweight, sick & just fat.
its not that being heavy makes me unhappy,
i actually think it makes me a lot more down to earth,
but im unhealthy!
type 2 diabetes at age 15?!?!?
type 2 is for overweight 40 year olds!
im not even kidding.

my dads looking into a nutritionist.
kinda to whip my butt in shape.
we'll see how that goes...

fat, alone & happy.

the third just doesnt fit all the time....

diabetes blood test, plans for black friday & making teeshirts

i got my blood taken again to see if i have diabetes, i'll get the results by friday.
i also made a facebook cause so if you have facebook please join!
http://apps.facebook.com/causes/view_cause/36921

i'll be out early on black friday with lauren, rachel and maybe becky.
we're gonna on a TOP SECRET MISSION!
no, seriously we really are.
so we're making teeshirts later today at my house.

oh and if you havent voted for me yet on my singing competition
please do by going here
http://www.feelingthevibe.com/FTVStar.html
and simply clicking my name!! (:

thanks to a new friend

http://www.lifeclinic.com/focus/diabetes/children_type2.asp
i now know im not alone. (if i end up having diabetes...)


she just said the most powerful thing someone has ever said to me, even though she's a stranger...

"and if you do end up having diabetes, it is just to prove that it is another thing that you can handle."

many doctor visits & 4 blood test....in a month.

can i get anymore sick?!
on top of mono, ear infections, throat infections, bad colds and abnormal thyroid levels,
i now have pre-diabetes.

ill start from the beginning...
i went to the specialist yesterday morning because when testing for mono, they found my thyroid levels were high. i still dont know what the heck a thyroid is, but they made me where a hospital gown and it sucked. anyways, the levels were normal for the weight i am right now, so that was no concern, but the doctor diagnosed me with pre-diabetes and is testing for diabetes. meaning i need to have yet another blood test next wednesday. i have to fast for 8 hrs before the test. i researched pre-diabetes because i didn't get it and basically this is what i found...

"In pre-diabetes, blood glucose levels are higher than normal but not high enough to be characterized as diabetes. However, many people with pre-diabetes develop type 2 diabetes within 10 years. Pre-diabetes also increases the risk of heart disease and stroke. With modest weight loss and moderate physical activity, people with pre-diabetes can delay or prevent type 2 diabetes."

if i don't have diabetes yet, it looks like no more sugar for me for a long long time. i mean, i knew i had to loose weight, and i dont look as heavy as i actually weigh, but i was shocked to learn because im overweight i might have diabetes THAT IS USUALLY IN 40+ YEAR OLD ADULTS! it made me feel sick. pre-diabetes runs in my mom's side of the family, but i'm only 15 for petes sake! i guess im lucky. im lucky that i have a body that functions normally (most of the time) and that i dont have cancer or something very serious or life threatening. im lucky i have parents who take me to the doctors so i can get the treatments i need and doctors who know what they're doing. i could be in a much worse place, so i should be thankful. still, it would be nice to be normal. but im anything but.

sometimes you take what you get and learn to love yourself no matter what,
sometimes you take what you get and cry about it.

i think i'll stick with the first one.

cma awards

so i've watched them about 5 times already.
and every single time i watched taylor win the horizon award, i cry.
i am SO proud of her.
she deserves everything she has gotten.
watching her parents, mr and mrs swift cry for their daughter
thinking of how they gave up everything to move to nashville,
so that taylor would have a chance of sharing her talent from God with the world,
just makes me feel so happy.
that family is one of the nicest i have ever met,
and taylor is truly the sweetest and most grateful girl i have ever seen.
she might be a superstar now, but she's still the girl who hugs you for 5 minutes straight,
happy to see you at her concert again.

and the duet, when you love someone like that, by leann & reba is my favorite song ever.
i've listened to it over 100 times from when i first got leann's CD to now.
i was SO happy to see them perform it live at the awards.

and kellie made me cry.
she started to cry when she sang that song at the concert.
she is SO unbelievably sweet.

im also super happy brad won! he started to tear. awe.

and last but not least im glad miranda performed she's amazing and thats my favorite song by her!

oh and im not happy about dolly not being there.

anyways...just to think one day i could be sitting there in that very place
crossing my fingers like taylor did for her first award, blows my mind.

sometimes life is too amazing to believe.

this is the last straw!

im sick of...
missing them
not seeing some of my best friends
crying over not getting tickets
having 1000+ people instead of 100 people to share them with at shows
tickets being IMPOSSIBLE to get
tickets being about 200 freaking dollars per seat, if not more
them not playing near me
heartache over something that once make me so happy
not feeling good enough
being sick
people in school actually liking them
teenies & their parents
crying over drama that the fans bring
some of the 'fans'
girls being catty
feeling used
fighting

no one can take away my love for those boys and my support,
no one can take away what we've done
no one can take away my years of happiness they brought to me
no one can take away my feelings towards anything
even if i never see them again in my life,
i have made the best friends of my life because of them,
i have made some of the best memories of my life because of them,
and for that, i will never forget them.

love is patient love is kind,
it isn't jealous, conceded or proud

only lyrics can say what your heart feels.

invisible by my friend taylor swift...
they defiantly describe how i feel about this one boy.

she can't see the way your eyes,
light up when you smile
she’ll never notice how you stop and stare
whenever she walks by

and you can't see me wanting you the way you want her
but you are everything to me

and i just want to show you
she don't even know you
she's never love you like i want to
and you just see right through me
but if you only knew me
we could be a beautiful miracle unbelievable
instead of just invisible

their is a fire inside of you
that can't help but shine through
she's never going to see the light
no matter what you do

and all i think about is how to make you think of me
and everything that we could be

and i just want to show you
she don't even know you
she's never love you like i want to
and you just see right through me
but if you only knew me we could be a beautiful miracle unbelievable
instead of just invisible

like shadows in the faded light
oh, we’re invisible
i just want to open your eyes
and make you realize

and i just want to show you
she don't even know you
baby let me love you, let me want you
and you just see right through me
but if you only knew me we could be a beautiful miracle unbelievable
instead of just invisible

she can't see the way your eyes, light up when you smile.

on a happier note (yes im posting two in one day)

i felt the need to let you know im not really depressed.
writing is my way of letting go what makes me unhappy.

im fine. i swear. haha

okay so whats the one thing that makes me TRULY happy?!
concerts!
wooo.
so heres a list of who i might be going to see soon:

*?12/14-JINGLE BALL NYC-jonas brothers, alicia keys, timbaland, avril lavigne, backstreet boys, jordin sparks, boys like girls, colbie caillat
*?12/15-mitchel musso
?12/17-instore performance w/ jonas
*?12/30-JINGLE JAM NJ-keke palmer, drew seeley and aly & aj
?1/5-show after show w/ jonas
?-any hannah montana/jonas/miley shows if i can get tickets cheap-

none of them are definite. but the ones with the *stars* are the ones im most likely going to.

if you're going to any let me know!! (:

im tired and worn out...

being sick is never fun, especially when you happen to get sick atleast once a month all the time. a lot of my friends seem to think i should 'suck it up' and they expect me to be normal when i'm sick. thats a pretty cruddy thing to ask of someone. especially when you've never been sick like i have. today again i feel asleep when i got home, i just woke up. i was so tired and broken down. i have to force myself to stay awake for the next couple hours so i can go to sleep at 9, otherwise i wont be able to go to sleep tonight and then be really really tired tomorrow. just so you know, mono is NOT something that you can just suck up. i went for month without knowing i had mono and it was so terrible. finally the 3 round of blood tests came back to show i had mono. i missed 2-3 days of school every week for that month and then finally on monday i went to the nurse's crying because i felt that sick, then after staying home for a week & many doctor visits, medicine & more blood tests, i finally know what is wrong with me now. on top of mono i had an ear infection & throat infection. i didnt skip school just because i needed a day, i was truly sick...and i always am! so if you want to be that naive and think that im faking it, you're dead wrong. thanks for being a good friend.

people change and promises are broken...

that phrase is the most realitable thing in my life right now. you're 'best friends' change, your peers change, YOU change, we all change. and promises are most defiantly broken, intended or not.

maybe i should remember though;

clouds can move and skies will be wide open...
dont forget to take a breath.

amen to that.

im starting fresh

you may have noticed that i deleted my first two posts.
that's because i want to start this fresh,
so here ya go...
instead of posting a million bulletins on myspace, that all the wrong people reply to,
ill blabber and vent on here, it's easier.

if i need to introduce myself, the obviously you shouldn't be reading this, dont be a stalker.

here's today's rant:

so i saw carrie on ellen today. let me start of by saying, i love ellen! like a lot, shes so funny & down to earth. okay, anyway, so carrie performed and of course she was amazing! she's so beautiful. i really wish my voice could go as high as hers. its nuts. i saw her two summers ago live, she was literally a STICK. you have no idea.
also today is someone importants birthday! hes 20! dude, i remember him turning 18. two years have flown by so freaking fast. it's crazy! he means so much to me...if only he knew. (if you ask who im talking about i WILL punch you...)

alright, thats it for now.

loveloveloveyou.